Old Habits. . . .

I gave up long ago fighting the fact that I am an idealist. It is one of those things that I accept about myself, although sometimes I prefer to think that I am an idealist because I have such a great sense of vision, imagination, and courage. That makes it sound so cool, doesn't it? It takes away the air of flightiness, flakiness, and naivete which, I do not, but others like to equate with idealism. What I don't accept and often tend to forget even happens is how quick that idealism fades and turns to reality. I am fighting against calling this failure and taking my shrink's advice to look at these instances instead as opportunities to grow. But right now, failure is looking more accurate.

Getting to the point. . . .

My school district has introduced an initiative this year for all teachers to move to using the "gradual release of responsibility" instructional model. I applaud this. I cheer for this. I wholeheartedly support this. In fact I have been trying to more faithfully teach using this instructional model for about three years, and see myself making progress each year. However, now that it has come down as an edict, and I know that it is an expectation, I am a bit terrified. I felt no pressure when I viewed myself as a trailblazer, a rebel against the traditional establishment. It is an expectation now. Now I worry about failure.

As I try to plan collaboratively will by grade level colleagues, I am realizing how easy it would be to fall back into the traditional, "sit and get," "guess the answer I'm thinking of," teacher-centered classroom. I think I am hardwired by a lifetime of being a student, growing up with a teacher, modelling what I am familiar instruction. It is easy and comfortable to fall back on that. "Turn to page 375, and read 'The Interlopers,' then answer the critical thinking questions for homework," I'm afraid these words will come from MY mouth! Remembering that we don't all have to read the same story to master the standard. Reminding myself that we do not even need to read the entire story in order to collaborate and work independently on our own reading seems harder to do. And it's only approaching the first full week of school. How fast the idealism seems to fade.

I think it's going to be lonely out there, as I continue to chart my course and remain faithful to what I know is right and what the district wants. It's easy to fall back into old habits, old habits that were born decades before I was a student and continue to hold on to well-meaning educators today. And so I prepare for the new week, with teaching point of view, and monitoring comprehension on my plate, without even a clear vision of what the reader's notebook will look like. The poor idealist in me is struggling against what is easier and what appears to be more popular. So, in addition to planning my lessons, this weekend I work on finding my footing to keep from stumbling back into those old habits.